Why I have 0 friends.
Before you say “everyone has someone” and that “this article is not great for me”, just give it a read.
So what is a friend? I would define it as someone who is always there for you, you can hang out with, has your back, etc. Brown’s definition states it’s “a relationship that is ‘voluntary, mutual, flexible, and terminable; relationships that emphasize equality and reciprocity and require from each partner an affective involvement in the total personality of the other.” (Brown,1981.)” To me, this quote highlights a bond that involves putting in work and is not a one-time catch-up or something where one person is making it work. This is where I find myself as one of the reasons when I say I don’t really have friends. It is reported that 1 in 5 millennials feel they are lonely and don’t have any friends with not much changing looking at Gen Z (Fishberg,2019.) As a generation that is online with followers, friends, and being more connected than ever, new generations are turning out more lonely than before.
The main core of finding friends comes from sharing the same passion or interests. The Guardian states that “these are often in abundance in our earlier years, but once those easy opportunities are gone, you can forget that the initial basis for a friendship is to have a similar passion or interest” (Blair, Sedghi,2018.) 2020/2021 has not been great in terms of socializing but with many online pages, groups, or now zoom calls there are always opportunities to meet potential new friends. The question that lies though from experience is how often do people contact or meet again after partaking in an activity. I can recount many times when I met wonderful people from excursions, workshops and classes but then nothing happens afterwards. I don’t put in the effort, others don’t put in the effort highlighting although there are various opportunities to socialize, nobody is willing to commit after an event.
When looking at why they are important? we are social beings and friends can help increase mental well-being, helps you grow as a person, and generally makes life more exciting. It is shown that “maintain[ing] friends is important in a range of developmental areas including educational attainment, psychosocial adjustment, as well as offering the potential for negative experiences such as ‘peer pressure’ and antisocial behavior” (Rosqvistand Brownlow,2015.) For the good or bad; friends shape who we are and a massive part of our lives highlighting that when you feel you have none the significance that could have on you. When getting dramatic the Telegraph stated that “individuals who felt lonely or who were socially isolated had on average a 30 percent increased risk of developing coronary heart disease or having a stroke”(Knapton,2016.) It’s hard to say if this is true but in a way it emphases the importance of interaction and having friends.
For me, I do enjoy some alone time and do regularly go the cinema, concerts or just find myself wandering the town looking into shops. As Catchings states “feeling comfortable being alone is a skill that benefits us in many ways; we have more time to do things for us, we can practice self-care, we can learn a new language, we can rest, or we can practice mindfulness (Catchings and Laderer,2020.) So when reflecting on this quote it highlights finding a balance between alone time and socalisng as both are important. However, with people feeling lonelier than ever maybe we are having too much alone time or being stuck staring at a screen we’re not truly feeling connected.
Maybe friendships are becoming meaningless, less special as now little work is needing to be done. As described by Ellison “weak tie relationships on sites like Facebook … may not represent meaningful connections because generally, people invest comparatively little in these relationships” (Ellison, et al,2007.) Linking this back to Brown’s definition this is not friendship as online tends to offer the bare bones of actual friendship and is more focused on quick convos, getting something in return (likes, etc), and tends to be more focussed on light topics. So this could be the reason why many people are feeling like they also don’t have any friends.
For me, I have always known or overtime worked out the reasons behind people not showing up to a planned night out, that I was uninvited to events or that there are secret chats with me being excluded (yes, I know.) Rebecca Hayes highlights that on social media emotions are amplified compared to being left out in the real world. She states that “take processes that have existed since the beginning of time and amplify them in a way that might have a more enduring psychological impact” (Hayes,2017.) It’s true as interactions are becoming more online leading to more oppterunites to be included/excluded or can easily see other people having fun thus leaving people feeling down.
As highlighted previously by Blair and Sedghiby; Age is another factor that can sadly get in the way, with a survey conducted it found that in general people's friend's groups rise until the age of 25, after that things become worse and decline (Bhattachary et al,2016.). This can be because under 25s are the age group known to socialize more and have more freedom before truly entering adult life. Spotlighting the importance of socializing and finding people that click as the more life gets in the way the harder it becomes to meet new people (Kirmayer, Patel,2018). So when growing up naturally leads to the number of friends declining, it paints a negative picture for the younger generations that are already feeling the most lonely.
When flipping the switch, a possibility could be due to overthinking as someone who is constantly deleting messages, planning out what to write, and wondering if there are any issues between us. Kirsten Corley fully discusses this in her article on the process of overthinking and making friends. To me, the article perfectly encapsulates the downwards trajectory of being friends with an overthinker. From getting stressed when sending/receiving messages to the constant need to finding issues and apologizing for things (Corley,2017). This can leave to people maybe feeling that they have nobody but in reality, do but are just terrified to mess things up.
Another issue could be ruining something good about your life possibly due to overthinking. Feeling like you don't deserve this/worrying that something is going to go wrong. Self-Deprecation is defined as “the negative component of self-esteem in which an individual criticizes her or his worth and efficacy” (Owen,1993.) Looking at this from a personal angle I have counted many times where I have apologized for many unknown reasons or needing to feel like I am wasting someone else’s time. Morray looks into this from a relationship standpoint highlighting that “when an individual’s partner has a deprecating view of the individual, relationship satisfaction decreases” (Morray et all,1996.) Bonds lose momentum as although nothing has in fact changed, one-half feels the pressure of this may be coming to an end.
An example that I believe captures all the factors mentioned is being left on read. The anxious wait for a reply when in fact it is never going to arrive, the stress, the work put into that message for nothing to happen is the worst. It causes many overthinkers to wonder what’s wrong and starts that seed of maybe I’m the problem. As “the anxiety of being left on read is silly but it is real, and unique to this time (Hunt,2017.) It’s a simple thing but for me especially recently in a time where people were putting up a posts saying “message if you wanting a chat” or “if your feeling down message me”, it's amazing how many people follow through or actually do but only when it's ‘trendy.’ This is highlighted with Jess Joho stating “But the trendiness of sad online culture may lead to wrongful self-diagnoses and an inadvertent trivialization of serious illnesses.” We have grown custom to sharing how we feel and offering our support that by doing this its losing importance and “at times be just as performative as the #posivibes self-care culture that’s starting to feel lame (Joho,2019.)” We should not be doing this but everyone can share how they feel and when sifting through posts it's hard to say now what posts are genuine or not. Leading to when someone does reach out with a simple “how have you been’ then do we reply or do we leave them on read.
So in the end, I hope I have shared some knowledge and highlighted to you Why I have 0 friends.
Lastly, if you are feeling lonely or struggling mentally contact Samaritans at; Call:116 123 or Email: jo@samaritans.org
References
Bhattacharya, K., Ghosh, A., Monsivais, D., Dunbar, R. I., and Kaski, K. (2016). Sex differences in social focus across the life cycle in humans. Royal Society open science, 3(4).
Blair, Linda and Sedghi, Amy. (2018). loneliness isn’t inevitable — a guide to making new friends as an adult. Available from: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/apr/30/how-to-make-new-friends-adult-lonely-leap-of-faith. [Accessed: 19/6/2021].
Brown, B.B. (1981). A life-span approach to friendship: Age-related dimensions of an ageless relationship
Catchings and Laderer,Ashley(2020). The Benefits of Alone Time. Available from: https://www.talkspace.com/blog/benefits-alone-time/. [Accessed: 22/6/2021].
Elle Hunt. (2017). I know they’ve seen my message — so why haven’t they replied?. Available from: https://www.theguardian.com/culture/2017/mar/17/i-know-theyve-seen-my-message-so-why-havent-they-replied. [Accessed: 18/6/2021]
Ellison, Et all. (2007). The Benefits of Facebook “Friends:” Social Capital and College Students’ Use of Online Social Network Sites”.
Josh O’Kane. (2017). Being left out of online group chats hurts as much as physical exclusion. Globe and Mail Available from: https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/being-left-out-of-online-group-chats-hurts-just-as-much-as-physical-exclusion-relationships/article33596266/. [Accessed: 15/6/2021].
Hannah Fishberg. (2019). 1 in 5 millennials are lonely and have ‘no friends’: survey. NYC Times. Available from: https://nypost.com/2019/08/02/1-in-5-millennials-are-lonely-and-have-no-friends-survey/. [Accessed: 15/6/2021].
Kristen Corley. (2017). The Honest Truth About Being Friends With People Who Overthink. Available from: https://thoughtcatalog.com/kirsten-corley/2017/03/the-honest-truth-about-being-friends-with-people-who-overthink/. [Accessed: 17/6/2021].
Miriam Kirmayer and Patel Arti.(2018). Making friends is harder as an adult — here’s why some look online. Available from: https://globalnews.ca/news/4030237/adult-friendships/. [Accessed: 18/6/2021].
Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., and Griffin, D. W. (1996). The self-fulfilling nature of positive illusions in romantic relationships: Love is not blind, but prescient. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71, pp.1155–1180.
Napton,Sarah. (2016). Having no friends could be as deadly as smoking. Available from: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/08/24/having-no-friends-could-be-as-deadly-as-smoking-harvard-universi/. [Accessed: 22/6/2021].
Owens, T. J. (1993). Accentuate the positive–and the negative: Rethinking the use of self-esteem, self-deprecation, and self-confidence. Social Psychology Quarterly, 56, pp. 288–299.
Rosqvist, H.B. and Brownlow, C. (2015). “What’s the point of having friends?”: Reformulating Notions of the Meaning of Friends and Friendship among Autistic People. Disability Studies Quarterly, 35(4).